Veteran foster parents reading this blog know full well that when a new child comes into their home, that the “unexpected should be expected” regarding that child’s behavior. This doesn’t make things any less difficult, and this is especially true for new foster parents. During my Parent Coaching experience, I’ve spoken with more foster parents than I can count who have shared their frustrations with me about the “surprises” a child has brought with him/her into their home. “Why is my 5-year old not even toilet trained yet?” “How can a 4-year old be so physically violent?” “Why does my 11-year-old keep trying to run away?” How does a foster parent deal with, and navigate these challenges? Here are some helpful suggestions, especially for those for those of you new to the foster parenting journey.
Remember the “Iceberg Effect”: We have learned through science that typically, only 10 to 20 percent of an iceberg shows itself above the waterline. The 80 to 90 percent that lies below the waterline is what is most threatening to ships passing by. This is a good object lesson regarding the foster child coming into your home. Expect the unexpected, especially if there’s a honeymoon period for that child’s first few weeks or months of your care. If that 80 to 90 percent of any potential negative behavior never shows itself, then you are fortunate.
Be a Realist: You will never receive all the information you need about your child’s background. Don’t blame your agency or your agency caseworker. Most all of the time they are only forwarding to you the information they have on a child. Agreed, this is not always true with state agencies such as DFCS/CPS/DCFS who have been known to withhold troubling information about a child’s background in order to find a placement home, as opposed to having to house that child in a hotel with their caseworker. Let me add, however, that even DFCS/CPS/DCFS seldom has all the history on any child, as most of these precious children have been bounced around so much within their biological family and multiple foster care and residential placements.
Maintain your Empathy: I addressed this in my previous post. Remember that even your child’s most surprising and disturbing behaviors are merely symptoms of the real problem. The child’s behaviors are based in stark survival of a traumatic past. The real problem(s) lie in a chronically broken child welfare system in this country, as well as the generational dysfunction of this child’s family. Neither one of these problems will ever be totally fixed in our lifetimes. However, over time true healing can come to a child who has a village (foster parents, therapists, invested school personnel, mentors, etc.) to support him or her.
Be a squeaky wheel: Veteran foster parents are really good at this. As a matter of fact, it needs to be part of the job description of every foster parent. Your child cannot advocate for him/herself. Surround yourself with a solid village of support. As warranted—and in a diplomatic fashion—let the school, caseworkers, DFCS/CPS/DCFS, therapists, daycare, etc., clearly know that you are “not going away” in your pursuit of the services that your child needs in order to address their behavioral challenges—that 80 to 90 percent of what is emerging from below the waterline.
I welcome your feedback and comments!