A couple years ago, I wrote a two-part blog called “What to Do About Lying!” (Scroll down to August of 2022 if you’d like to check those out). In one of those blogs, I shared the story of my 17-year-old young friend “Jennifer” who was adopted into the U.S. at age 15 from a Russian orphanage. Jennifer is now in her late twenties, and happily married with a 2-year-old little girl. I still recall the profound story she told me when I was counseling her in a residential program. She stated “Mr. Mark, you have to understand, that in those five years I was in the orphanage, if I lied I got what I needed” (enough food, attention, etc.); “but when I told the truth, I got a beating!” What a crazy-making existence for this girl! As a result, Jenifer became very adept at lying at just about everything. Her lying was rooted in stark fear—“If I don’t lie, I don’t get my needs met—I might not even live!!” To again quote Dr. Bryan Post in his book From Fear to Love—the child thinks, “If I don’t lie to you, then the worst thing that ever happened to me will happen again!”
Readers, this is the “crazy-making” mindset that many of our children bring into their new adoptive or foster homes. This behavior has often been modeled by their biological parents or in certain orphanages where there is a lack of nurturing by inadequate or even abusive caregivers. Out of stark, primal fear, many of our children in care have had to lie as a means of self-preservation. Once they are in a safe, nurturing home, lying can remain a terribly difficult habit for them to overcome, as well as a huge stressor for the parents/caregivers. However, we must again remember that previously, lying was often their survival tactic.
Helpful Approaches for Parents and Caregivers:
No matter how often your child lies, please don’t label him or call him “a liar”—Yes, he may habitually lie; but to label or call him a liar reinforces to him that he is a “bad kid” and reinforces to you in your mind that you define him by his behavior instead of his person.
Reinforce to your child that although he felt he had to lie in previous settings, that it’s okay for him to tell the truth in your home without being punished for it.
For younger kids, it can be effective for you say to them “Sweetheart when you tell a lie to me, it makes me sad.” This can appeal to their conscience.
When your child struggles to be truthful, and does so—heap on the praise—even when his previous actions have been hurtful to you. This positive reinforcement will send him a message that it’s safe to tell the truth, and that telling the truth is rewarded, even when it’s hard to be truthful.
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